most people don't enjoy admitting their fears straight up. if you were to ask someone "what are you afraid of?" they would probably shrug it off with something small. but to me, fear is not something you should be scared of, i think it is important to know the fears of others. to understand where they come from and how to help them...or even just how to understand them. a lot of people are afraid of being afraid, isn't that funny? i think so.
I was thinking, and if we're going to be friends (or if you're going to read my blog) then i am going to be honest about everything. not just what i love and where i want to go, but also what i am so scared of.
1) i fear my future. part of me just wants to stay 13 forever, even though it mostly sucks, it has got to be better than dealing with high school next year, or collage in four years, or where i want to go to collage, if i want to be a mom, where i am going to live, what my job will be. all that crap scares me so much i try not to think about it...but that never really works, because it's coming at full speed and i am going to have to be ready.
2) i am very thoroughly frightened of failure, letting people down. of not making them go "woah abigail, good job!" all the time. i cannot stand it if my homework is a late or if i forgot to bring something i was supposed to or if i am late to an event..it just all frightens me. i don't want to be a failure in anything, in life..which is pretty bad because it causes me to quit a lot of stuff before you can fail, or succeed. this one is probably my biggest. because you can fail at so many things.
3) saying the wrong thing. i guess that's why i'm so quiet, i can't say the wrong thing if i don't say anything at all...right?
4)being annoying. yup, here we go. self-conscious teenage girl time. i like to think that i am not SUPER self-conscious about everything..but annoying people is one of them. i don't like to text people first or ask too many questions..which is a struggle when you're as curious as george. so many things i want to know, but my fear of being annoying overpowers the question on the tip of my tongue. i guess this plays into saying the wrong thing. i have so much to say and share but so much more fear.
5)spiders....just like ew. i can't even...talk about freaky.
6)hurting peoples feelings, i can't handle people being mad at me or knowing that i have hurt them in anyway.
7)staying put. it scares me to think that i'll have to live here in this one horse central florida town until i go off to collage, wherever that might be. it scares me to think i might have to settle down someday with a husband and kids to take care of. chaining me to one place.
8)being wrong. i don't like to argue, or answer questions i'm not positive about. because that feeling in my stomach when i'm wrong hurts far too much.
9)running out of time. running out of time to get ready. running out of time to get somewhere. running out of time on earth. with all the books there are to read, all the people to love, secrets to tell, and places to go i will most surely not have enough time.
"i believe that being fearless is not the absence of fear, but it is feeling the fear and doing it anyway."-Taylor Swift
my fear is growing up. that I'm doing it all wrong. that my relationships with people aren't as they should be. that I'm wasting my time.
ReplyDeleteI relate to a lot of your fears, and I love that you're so open and honest. It's and important thing to be in this world. I find that it helps you be yourself, to be real and authentic.
I want to encourage you to stop worrying about being annoying. I think that's a big fear of a lot of young girls. But if you don't ask questions and go out of your comfort zone, where's the adventure? Most of the time people (not just girls) are themselves afraid of being the first one to text, the first one to ask the question. So really, both of you are silent but wanting to talk to each other. Be confident Abby! Step forward, ask the question and change the world.